On Monday, Dec.12, we left for the hospital bright and early which was not a problem considering we could hardly sleep the night before. On our way we turned on the Hillsong Lullabies II album so we could sing those songs over Noah one more time. It was a very peaceful drive and another special moment we had with our sweet boy.

We were about 45min early because we were expecting icy roads and thankfully that was not the case. This gave us time to pray over Noah before going into the hospital. We thanked God for the time we had already enjoyed with Noah. We asked God once again for healing for Noah and for strength for us to get through the day, no matter the outcome.

Once we got checked in we were taken to our room. One of the nurses, who we already knew, came in to start my IV. It was so nice to see a kind and familiar face. After getting my IV started she hooked up a fetal heart monitor, which made us so happy! We loved going to my regular OB appointments because we got to hear his heat beat. Of course, Noah was being his usual ornery self and they kept loosing his heart beat because he kept moving.

Both of our parents arrived before I was taken back to the OR. It was so comforting to know they were there. They took me back around 7:40am and it was so weird to walk into the OR and see everything set up for my own surgery. I was cold, shaking and scared to death for a million reasons. I was just trying to focus on Noah and not passing out and not getting sick so I could be ready for him.

Shortly after they started the surgery one the nurses brought Josh in to the OR. Within about 10-15 minutes Noah was born. I was so scared because I couldn’t hear or see him and I didn’t know if he was alive. One of the nurses said, “It’s what we were afraid of… His arms and legs are very short.” When I heard “it’s what we were afraid of,” my heart sank, but when she said, “his arms and legs are very short” I thought, “yeah I know and that’s not what I was afraid of.” As I looked over at Josh I saw him smiling over Noah and I knew he was alive. I was listening hard and could finally her his sweet little cry. They brought Noah to my side so I could see him real quick before they took him upstairs to the NICU.

I was so excited they were taking him to the NICU. In a conference we had with the doctors and nurses they said they were not planning on doing anything to assist him unless he showed more strength then they expected. So, Noah being taken to the NICU gave me hope he might make it.

When Noah and Josh walked out of that room it was the worse feeling in the world. It killed me to be so helpless and unable to comfort my crying new born.

Finally, I was stitched up and taken back to my room. Our parents and my sisters were there. Within a few minutes a nurse came in and told us that Josh requested our parents be taken upstairs. This scared me because I didn’t know if that was a good or bad sign. I wanted to go with them so bad, but I was still numb and not able or allowed to sit up or get in a wheelchair for at least an hour after my surgery. I was so thankful to have my sisters by my side, as our parents went to the NICU.

Josh texted my sisters to see if I wanted to FaceTime so I could see Noah. I have never been so thankful for that stupid iPhone that I complain about all the time. I got to see and talk to Noah while we were apart. We even used one of my sisters phones to record his little cry.

He was on a CPAP machine and I don’t think he liked it very much. The NICU doctor said he was crying like any other new born and he didn’t believe he was in any pain. We are so thankful for that!

They did x-rays and determined that he did not have brittle bone disease like the doctors had predicted. They think he had Thanatophoric Dysplasia, a lethal form of skeletal dysplasia (but we won’t know for sure until we get the genetic test results back). His ribs were so short and narrow and because of this his lungs could not develop enough for him to ever be able to breath on his own. The NICU doctor removed the CPAP machine and brought Noah to my room right away.

As I turned off FaceTime and waited for Noah, for the first time my hope was completely shattered and all I could feel was pain and anger. My worst nightmare was becoming a reality and it was happening too fast for me to comprehend. I was so afraid that if my time with Noah was short I would be too emotional to really be with him. When they walked in the room and handed Noah to me my heart changed. I was so happy to finally hold my son and I felt so much peace and joy in that moment. Of course, I was still devastated knowing I would soon loose this precious little life, but I was given a strength that was not my own. God was in control and even though He was not answering my prayers the way I wanted Him to He was faithful in His promise.

Philippians 4:6-7
“6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

We were able to hold Noah, kiss him and tell him that we love him. That moment felt so good and everything else temporarily faded away. He had been given some pain medication so he would be comfortable and after I had been holding him for about 30-45min the doctor checked for a heart beat. Noah was gone. It was the best and worst day of our lives.

We are so thankful for all the family and friends that came to the hospital to support us. We love Noah so much and now understand why people post like 500 pictures of their kids. You just feel so in love and so proud and you want everyone to know and see how amazing they are. I didn’t realize how fast those feelings set in and I’m so grateful we had people there to meet him. We are also thankful our photographer, Sara Long Photography, was there early and ready to go so we have pictures to forever remember our beautiful son and the time we were blessed to have with him.

We are also so grateful for all the family and friends that have continued to support us through prayer, meals, meaningful gifts, cards, distractions and checking in to see how we are doing. We love and appreciate each one of you!